Unless you've been living under the rock that itself is living under a larger rock on the moon, chances are you've probably heard about the earthquake and nuclear crisis in Japan. Reading the news for the last few days has been heart rending. Never have I felt more strongly about helping out or more helpless to actually doing so. 

I doubt that many people still come here, but for those who do, and who wish to help, here's how you can (as taken from another website):

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Mercy Relief: The organisation is accepting donations to procure relief supplies. It has deployed a two-man preliminary disaster response team to Japan to ascertain ground needs and procure relief supplies.

The MR team will help distribute supplies with UN agencies. It will also collaborate with local non-governmental organisations to support their relief efforts. With an initial tranche of USD $20,000 provided by SAP Asia Pacific Japan, the team will help address the pressing needs for food, water and quilts.

For cheque donations, please make the cheque payable to Mercy Relief Limited and send it to the Mercy Relief office at Blk 160 Lorong 1 Toa Payoh #01-1568 Singapore 310160. On the back of the cheque, indicate ‘Japan Quake and Tsunami Relief’’.

Cash donations can also be made at the Mercy Relief office. Office hours are Monday-Friday, 9am - 7pm.

For ATM transfers/internet banking, Mercy Relief’s DBS Current Account is 054-900493-6

Credit card donations can be made via eNets at www.mercyrelief.org

Singapore Red Cross: The organisation has started a hotline (6334-9152 / 6334-9153 / 6334-9154) to help those in Singapore get in touch with relatives in Japan. The SRC will take down details of the missing person and forward the information on to its sister national society, the Japanese Red Cross Society and the International Committee of Red Cross. It is also working with the Japanese Association to raise funds.

For cheque donations, please make the cheque payable to Singapore Red Cross and mail to the SRC office at Red Cross House, 15 Penang Lane Singapore 238486. On the back of the cheque, indicate ‘Japan disaster 2011′.

Cash donations can also be made at the SRC office during office hours.

The public can also SMS “Red Cross” to 75772. Each message will cost $50. The SRC is also working with banks like DBS, OCBC and UOB, to allow donations through ATMs and the Internet.

World Vision Singapore: A World Vision assessment team has arrived in the quake zone to assess the needs of the survivors and prepare supplies and programmes for the homeless. The team brought baby supplies, warm clothing, food and daily necessities for distribution.

World Vision also plans to establish child-friendly spaces so children affected by the disasters can resume normal childhood activities and experience structure and security.

For cheque donations, please make the cheque payable to World Vision International and mail to the World Vision office at 750B Chai Chee Road, #03-02, Technopark @ Chai Chee, Singapore 469002. On the back of the cheque, indicate ‘Japan disaster’.

Cash donations can also be made at the World Vision office. Office hours are Monday-Friday, 9am – 5pm. You can donate online at http://www.worldvision.org.sg/japandisaster/

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If you don't have a credit card or know that you probably won't have time to do any of the above but want to donate nevertheless, just pass me the cash if or when you see me and I'll help you. Don't worry, I pinky promise not to use it to buy a gold plated toilet bowl. 

(Update: My laodi just told me he intends to donate the edusave and good improvement award money he earned last year. A grand total of 400 dollars. Here I am making CENSORED-BY-TLL dollars a month and the amount I intended to donate came nowhere close to that. Kudos to you Laodi, you put me to shame. Proud of you.)

Here's hoping then that those suffering from this calamity still find happiness and goodness and joy, no matter what form they might take or how small they might be.

Also, as an after note, I saw a note on facebook by someone named Jun Shiomitsu. He translated some of the posts about the disaster. Some of them were quite moving so I'm sharing them here:

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Japan Quake as Seen from Twitter (Translated by me so quality questionable)
by Jun Shiomitsu on Sunday, March 13, 2011 at 8:13am

At Tokyo Disneyland:
Tokyo Disneyland was handing out its shops’ food and drinks for free to the stranded people nearby. I saw a bunch of snobby looking highschool girls walking away with large portions of it and initially though “What the …” But I later I found out they were taking them to the families with little children at emergency evacuation areas. Very perceptive of them, and a very kind thing to do indeed.

At a congested downtown intersection
Cars were moving at the rate of maybe one every green light, but everyone was letting each other go first with a warm look and a smile. At a complicated intersection, the traffic was at a complete standstill for 5 minutes, but I listened for 10 minutes and didn’t hear a single beep or honk except for an occasional one thanking someone for giving way. It was a terrifying day, but scenes like this warmed me and made me love my country even more.

During the earthquake
We’ve all been trained to immediately open the doors and establish an escape route when there is an earthquake. In the middle of the quake while the building was shaking crazily and things falling everywhere, a man made his way to the entrance and held it open. Honestly, the chandelier could have crashed down any minute … that was a brave man!

Reminded of the goodness of the Japanese people
This earthquake has reminded me of that Japanese goodness that had recently become harder and harder to see. Today I see no crime or looting: I am reminded once again of the good Japanese spirit of helping one another, of propriety, and of gentleness. I had recently begun to regard my modern countrymen as cold people … but this earthquake has revived and given back to all of us the spirit of “kizuna” (bond, trust, sharing, the human connection). I am very touched. I am brought to tears.

Card board boxes, Thank you!
It was cold and I was getting very weary waiting forever for the train to come. Some homeless people saw me, gave me some of their own cardboard boxes and saying “you’ll be warmer if you sit on these!” I have always walked by homeless people pretending I didn’t see them, and yet here they were offering me warmth. Such warm people.

What foreigners are saying about Japanese people
At a supermarket where everything was scattered everywhere over the floors, shoppers were helping pick them up and putting them back neatly on the shelves before quietly moving into line to wait to pay for them. On the totally jam-packed first train after the quake, an elderly man gave up his seat for a pregnant woman. Foreigners have told me they are amazed witnessing sights like these. I do believe they actually saw what they said they saw. Japan is truly amazing.

Touch of art
I saw artists and painters trying to keep things upbeat by painting or drawing beautiful or encouraging drawings for the evacuees around them. I was touched at how everyone was doing their very best to help.

The bakery lady
There was a small bread shop on the street I take to go to school. It has long been out of business. But last night, I saw the old lady of the shop giving people her handmade bread for free. It was a heart-warming sight. She, like everyone else, was doing what she could to help people in a time of need. Tokyo isn’t that bad afterall!

Japan is a wonderful nation!
Both the government and the people, everyone is helping one another today. There are truck drivers helping evacuees move. I even heard that the “yakuza” (gangsters, organized crime groups) are helping to direct traffic in the Tohoku region! There have been many recent developments that have made me lose my sense of pride in my country, but not anymore. Japan is an amazing place! I’m just simply touched. Go Japan!

At the supermarket
I just came back safely from the supermarket! Man, I was so touched at how everyone there was mindful of others, buying only as much as they needed and leaving the rest for the people behind them.

“All of us”
I spoke with an old taxi driver and some elderly staff at the train stations. All of them had been working non-stop and had not been able to go home for a long time. They were visibly very tired, but never once did they show any sign of impatience; they were gentle and very caring. They told me “… because all of us are in this together.” I was touched at what the notion of “all of us” meant to these elderly people. It is a value I will treasure and carry on to my generation.

A strong voice
Yesterday, I was impressed and touched by the actions of my neighbor’s 13-year-old-boy. He was home alone when the earthquake hit. But instead of hiding, as soon as the earthquake quieted down, he jumped on his bicycle and road around the block repeatedly shouting at the top of his voice, “Is everyone alright? Is everyone okay?” At the time, there were only women and children and the elderly in the homes. I cannot describe how comforting it was just to hear a strong voice asking if I was okay. Thank you!

The beauty of helping one another
I went out last night to help some friends who were volunteering as security personnel between Machida City and Sagami Ohno City. I saw total strangers, both young and old, helping each other along everywhere I turned and was heartened with an overwhelming feeling of encouragement. I was so touched I hid behind the toilets and cried.

I just have a bike
I’m so touched! My colleague at my part time job, wanting to help even just one extra person, wrote a sign saying “I just have a bike, but if you don’t mind hop on!”, rode out on his motorbike, picked up a stranded construction worker and took him all the way to Tokorozawa! Respect! I have never felt so strongly that I want to do something helpful for others.

Rest here!
Last night, I decided, rather than stay at the office, I should try walking home. So I slowly made my way west on Koshu freeway on foot. It was around 9PM when I saw an office building that had a sign that said “Please use our office’s bathrooms! Please rest here!” The employees of the office were loudly shouting out the same to all the people trying to walk home. I was so touch I felt like crying. Well, I guess I was too tense yesterday to cry, but now the tension is wearing off and am very much in tears.

On the way to the emergency evacuation area
My oldest daughter was making her way to Yokohama’s emergency evacuation area. Total strangers were helping each other out and showing each other the way to the emergency evacuation area. She told me she was moved at how strangers, who can seem so cold at times, showed her kindness and care. I was reminded at the Japanese peoples’ inherent ability to immediately unite in the face of adversity. Today, I have discovered a newfound faith in my nation and my people.

A big, kind voice
I’ve been walking for many hours now. I’m touched at how everywhere I turn, there are shops open with people shouting “Please use our bathroom!” or “Please rest here!” There were also office buildings where people with access to information were voluntarily shouting out helpful tips, like “**** line is now operational!” Seeing things like this after walking for hours and hours made me feel like weeping with gratitude. Seriously, there is still hope for this country!

On the platform
The Oedo Subway Line for Hikarigaoka is very congested. On the platform and at the gate there are just crowds and crowds of people waiting for the train. But in all the confusion, every last person is neatly lined up waiting his or her turn while managing to keep a passage of space open for staff and people going the other way. Everyone is listening to the instructions from the staff and everyone acts accordingly. And amazingly … there isn’t even a rope or anything in sight to keep people in queue or open space for staff to pass, they just do! I am so impressed at this almost unnatural orderliness! I have nothing but praise for these people!

Station staff
I said to a Tokyometro station staff who was on all-night duty, “I’m sure it has been a tough night for you. Thank you.” He responded with a smile, “On a night like this, gladly!” I was touched.

Coffee
My husband finally got home very late last night after walking for 4 hours. He told me he felt like giving up at around Akabane, when an elderly man who was going around handing out free coffee saw him, gave him a steaming cup and said, “You must be tired and cold. Here, have some coffee!” My husband told me that it was because of this elderly man that he found the will and strength to continue walking. I’ve already heard this story from him five times tonight, so no doubt he was really, really touched! Thank you to my husband’s anonymous helper!

Not enough money!
At the store where I work, a huge group of young men suddenly came in to buy booze. One of them suddenly said, “Oops, I only have enough money to buy booze, I can’t donate! Forget the booze, maybe next time!” and instead put ALL his money into the disaster relief donation box. One by one, every single one of the army of youths threw all their money into the box after him. What a heart-warming sight that was!

Goth youth
A goth youth with white hair and body piercings walked into my store and shoved several hundred dollars (several tens of thousands of yen) into the disaster relief fund donation box. As he walked out, I and people around me heard him saying to his buddies, “I mean, we can buy those games anytime!” At that, we all opened our wallets and put our money into the donation box. Really, you cannot judge people by their appearances.

Same boat!
Last night, Aobadai station was jammed with stranded people unable to get home. But there were private cars with drivers shouting “If you’re going in the direction of ****, please hop on!” I was able to hitch a ride on one of them. When I thanked the driver, he replied “No worries! We’re all on the same boat. We have to stick together!”

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It was a lazy Saturday afternoon, and with both parents in China and my brother at a scouts camp, I had the entire house to myself. Naturally I made a few calls to the Scam bros.

"Hey bros, I have the whole house to myself for the next three days. No adults around... No one to supervise us... Are you dudes thinking what I'm thinking...?"

"Hehehe..."

Five hours later:

Rather than the drug-fuelled, alcoholic rave party we were supposed to hold as respectable youths of our generation, we ended up belting out various Taylor Swift songs while dancing around the room in an accurate, yet probably disturbing imitation of 9 year old girls having a slumber party. The night is pretty much a blur of singing, yelling and ass shaking now, but I'm pretty sure there was crying at one point. And hugging. And a sobbing declaration of "I love you guys man". I won't say who. Ok it was me.

After the testosterone depleting activities of the night, we woke up determined to do something earth-shakingly manly the moment Royce and Waisum arrived - something so studly and savage that in the future legions of Lumberjacks and Sailors would look back at the paragons of Machosculinity (that's right, I just created a word) we became on that day and weep in inferiority.

Having come to this decision, we bumped our fists together, roared our agreement to the heavens, and then stomped into the kitchen to cook a nice, low fat meal.

Yup those are some manly, oyster-sauce wielding studs right there.

Manly, manly studs.

Ever conscious of the camera's eye, Royce catches the opportunity to strike a pose while the rest flail around in blind ignorance.

The power of eye power.

(It is probably worth mentioning that poor Ben got his hand burnt by a splash of hot oil while deep frying the pork. Get well soon Bencakes. )

I suppose some of you cynics are doubting the quality of our cooked food. "Pffft!" you think. "The Scam Boys can't possible be paragons of machosculinity (use it), Taylor Swift belting wannabe Pop Stars AND good/ok/you-probably-won't-need-charcoal-pills cooks! That would be just unfair!"

Tadaa.

Nic's Belachan Fried Rice

Royce's 宫保鸡丁 (gōng bǎo jī dīng)

Ohcy's Scrambled Eggs (oh laugh it up.)

Bencake's Sweet and Sour Pork

The whole meal!

The Scam Boys - Scammers Unrivaled, Chefs Extraordinaire, Horribly Slow Murderers with Extremely Inefficient Weapons

Royce admiring his Heavenly Meal.

Eating together as one big, happy, gender imbalanced family.

After our meal we jumped straight into a rip roaring session of Guitar Hero, strumming and yelling our hearts out to testosterone fueled classics from rock legends like Bon Jovi, Led Zeppelin and AC/DC.

Ok fine we sang Taylor Swift.

Most of the time, teaching classes is quite a pleasure. I get to share fun facts, interact with children and command the only people who will probably still listen to me around. The marking may be a chore, but I generally look forward to the classes themselves. This was not the case when I was asked to take a Pri 5 science class on Reproduction. You see, drawing on my knowledge of what 11 year old kids are like, this was what I imagined the class would be like:

Me: "Good morning class, I'm Mr. Oh and today I will be teaching you all about Reproduction. Let's all be mature about this."

"..."

Boys: "PENISPENISPENISPENISPE-"

Girls: "EWWWWWWWWWWWWW"

Me: "Everyone keep quiet!!! Boys! Stop repeating that!!"

*momentary silence*

Boys: "VAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAGINAVAG-"

Girls: "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"

Me: *squats in one corner and cries*

Surprisingly though, while mildly chaotic, the actual lesson had none of the rampant chaos that had haunted my nightmares. There was plenty of eww-ing yes, but in general none of the boys said any of the words I had been expecting them to repeat like a Ben broken tape recorder. After a while I started to realise the only way I was going to hear the word from them was if one of them placed their pen on the floor and told me about it.

I refused to believe it at first though. "They're just putting it off." I thought to myself. "It's coming any second now." I would mutter. And all they would do was quietly listen to me with only a mild eww every now and then.

It was unnerving.

 

 

 

 

 

Eventually the tension got so bad I started to unhinge a little. On the surface I maintained the illusion of the dedicated teacher, but in my head I was screaming "JUST SHOUT PENIS ALREADY DAMNIT!" over and over again.

And that was just the lesson. You know how when you mark something (for all you teachers out there) you normally mutter the answers out loud while ticking? For example if someone is marking multiple choice you might find him muttering:

"ABCDCBDACAD-"

*flips to a new worksheet*

"ABCDCBDACAD-"

Likewise for the happy 30 minutes I took to mark their homework the people around me were entertained (or scandalized) by the repeated drone of:

"Penis, Testes, Sperm, Prostrate Gland, Ovaries, Fallopian Tube, Vagina, Oviduct...Penis, Testes-"

Not one of my prouder moments no.

Hi people.

For those who don't know, I have recently started something I like to call Writing Sunday as part of my mission to get more writing (duh) done. This basically means that I shall take some time each Sunday to write a little piece and upload it here. Whether or not I can sustain this is highly suspect, but wish me luck anyway. This isn't one of my Writing Sunday posts, but someone requested for me to post this so here it is, uploaded as requested.

Till next week, tata!


The Story of the Cake

Prologue:

“Let them eat cake.”

 - Marie Antoinette

Once upon a time, there was a Cake.

It was an extraordinarily beautiful cake. A Cake filled with heavenly spongy goodness shaped into a delicately carved cylinder, covered with icing so sweet, so divine, you’d lick it out of a plate, wash the plate and then drink the water used to wash said plate.

This is not the story of that Cake.

This is the story of that other Cake.

You know that tiny little kid at every school playground? You see him getting pushed around by all the bigger kids and spending every recess sitting by himself in a corner because no one wants to play with him. Now I’m not saying this other Cake is like that kid, I’m just implying it.

Let’s get on with the story then.

Chapter 1: 

“I tried to commit suicide by sticking my head in the oven, but there was a Cake in it.”

-Lesley Boone

Once upon a time four people decided to bake a Cake. Their names were Shiying, Lisa, Ohcy and Beck. Otherwise collectively known as SLOB. Now the SLOBs hadn’t just decided to bake a Cake for no reason, no, they were baking the Cake for a very special friend. No, not that kind of “special friend”. For convenience sake, let’s call this special friend He. Might be a little sexually confusing but I’m sure she He can deal with it.

And so the SLOBs went to Shiying’s house to bake this Cake, under the guidance of Master Chef Beck (a.k.a Bake Yong-Joon) and Lisa’s Cake Cookbook. The quest had not long begun however when crisis struck, for Chef Beck and the Lisa’s Cookbook would not agree on the correct recipe! The Cookbook called for Butter, But Beck Bet that Butter was not Better for the Baking Batter and insisted on a Butter-less Batter. (say that ten times real quick) Chef Beck stubbornly argued his case, but the Cookbook remained impassive to all of his passionate arguments, refusing to respond to any of Chef Beck’s tirades or change its recipe.

Eventually, the SLOBs voted to follow the recipes of Chef Beck, and ignore those of the Cookbook. The Cookbook refused to comment on their apparent mutiny and merely sulked in silence. You might think, dear reader, that with the Crisis of the Recipe settled, there should be no more obstacles to the SLOB’s Cake baking quest. Alas as all who have watched 大長今 know, trials and tribulations are but an hourly occurrence for the Korean Chef. Rusty whisks, eggs dripping on his sock, nonexistent baking materials - Chef Beck and his motley crew conquered all of these calamities, and more. No baking tin? Use an old pot! No baking paper? Use margarine! Sock covered in egg yolk? Wash it and-

Wait, that part comes later.

Chef Beck decreed that we should separate the egg yolks and the egg whites, and then promptly demonstrated the wrong way of doing it (thereby dripping egg on his sock) so that we would not repeat the same mistakes. We bow in awe of Chef Beck’s wisdom. Distracted by the resulting bowl of unseparated egg yolks and egg whites, Ohcy proceeded to celebrate their loving commitment to each other by roasting them together in a fiery inferno.

 Their morale greatly boosted by the scrambled eggs, the SLOBs proceeded to whip out their forks and whisks and take a master class from Chef Becks titled “How to Beat the Shit out of Eggs and Flour”*. Sadly due to a miscalculation from Ohcy’s iPhone units converter app (my bad) they ended up using three times as much flour as they were supposed to. The resulting mixture looked less like something they had beaten the crap out of than the crap that might have beaten out of something. And so they condemned it to the dustbin.**

*Rule #1 – You can’t have your Cake and not beat it.

**Ohcy however once again decided it would be a waste of materials to just dump it and thus added more eggs, milk, butter, margarine, water, sugar, spice and everything nice into the mixture and tried to make muffins with it. The resulting baked concoction was hard as a rock on the outside, mushy on the inside and tasted purely of egg. We called them “Eggs in a Cup”.

With the first attempt now deemed a failure, the SLOBs started on their second Cake, which, under their combined efforts, actually made it past the preparation phase into the baking phase.

 

Chapter 2:

“Let's face it, a nice creamy chocolate Cake does a lot for a lot of people; it does for me.”

- Audrey Hepburn

It was only until the Fellowship of the Cake had decreed that the Cake was ready to undergo it’s metamorphosis into a beautiful butterfly, that it was realized that the Oven of Doom had yet to be preheated.

“No!!” moaned Chef Frodo Beck-ins. “How art we to bake the Cake, if the oven is not heated yet? The bubbles will be lost if we wait too many moons! The bubbles!!!”

“Oh no!” cried Legolisa.

“Heavens forbid!”  shouted Shiyimli.

“Chillax lar. Just throw it in. She He won’t mind.” drawled Saruyang.

And so they rushed to preheat the oven, but upon touching the shiny metal contraption they were thrown back by a bolt of lightning. Well, if a bolt of lightning felt like a buzz shock and made you go “Ow”. Yes, the baking gods weren’t satisfied with the mockery of baking we were performing, and were showing their displeasure by turning the oven into a giant version of a prank hand buzzer.

Eventually, Chef Becks decided that, heated oven or not, he could not afford to let any more bubbles escape from the Cake, and thus opened the door with a mighty yell of defiance to the baking gods (“Ow”) and threw the Cake in.

With the Cake (and the so-called-muffins) baking in the oven, the SLOBs had a while to relax and enjoy the amazing vista of Shiying’s kitchen wall. Lisa, Shiying and Ohcy occupied themselves with a rousing game of Wheel-of-Fortune on Ohcy’s iPhone, while Chef Beck stared into the depths of the oven and bitterly moaned every few seconds that the Cake wasn’t rising evenly but was sagging at some places. There’s a joke in here somewhere.

Soon enough, Chef Beck decided that it was time to extricate the One Cake from the Fiery Depths of Oven Doom. With another cry of defiance he opened the Electrical Deathtrap and retrieved the Cake (and the so-called-muffins). It was done. The quest was ended, the task was finished, the Cake was baked. And so Chef Beck cut around the sides of the Cake and proceeded to pull it out of the pot.

Except he could not.

What followed next was an orgy of smashing, whacking, pounding, slicing and crying that no man should have to witness. And the Cake still clung to the bottom of the pot like it had been welded to it. Eventually, Ohcy shoved a spatula down the sides and under the Cake, forcefully carving it out.

“The Cake is free! The Cake is free! Freedom for all!” they cried, as they danced a victory dance. Overcome with elation, Chef Beck ran to wash his sock, for as all know you can’t celebrate properly with an egg covered sock. Upon returning with his soggy (but clean) sock, Chef Beck proceeded to dry his sock in a highly efficient manner, by which I mean he threw it into the oven.

Withdrawing his sizzling sock (that almost sounds edible) at Shiying’s cry of horror, Chef Beck threw it back into his bag and went back to complete the Cake. Eyes tearing with joy as he gazed at their wondrous creation, he started to cut the Cake in half to add a middle layer of strawberries to it. At this critical juncture though, stress overcome him and he had to appoint Lisa as the official Cake cutter. A few minutes later, she split open the Cake with a final cut, and Chef Beck spread a strawberry mix over it.

Or he would have, had the Cake been fully cooked.

And so they gazed at the half cooked insides of the Cake, and wept.

Chapter 3:

“You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the Cake.”

- Bob Hope

It was the lack of a Cake tin, Chef Beck decided. The sides of the pot were too thick, thus the Cake would not heat up quick enough. And so they sojourned to the House of Oh, where it was said the mythical Cake tin might be found. Mounting a Super Big Steed named 157, they raced to the Legendary Hill of Braddell and made the terrifying climb to the top.

Upon reaching Ohcy’s kitchen, they immediately began on the third Cake, beating the eggs, whisking the mix and cooking the strawberries with the calm efficiency and telepathy of a team that has stared death and half-cooked Cake in the face. Within a mere 50 minutes they had the Cake fully baked and the strawberry mix safely cooling in the freezer.

Though SLOB’s epic quest had yet to be fully completed, the Cake had been Baked and the quest was almost done. It was not a Perfect Cake. It may not even have been a Good Cake, but it was a Cake nonetheless. But alas, Just a Cake was not acceptable to Chef Beck and he sunk into a deep depression.

“I have no part in this cake! No part! You better not tell He that I helped to make it! (oops)” he moaned, before staring vacantly at the less than Perfect Cake.

It seemed for a moment that he was about to suggest baking a new cake, but the rest of the Fellowship of decided that their quest was done. Their bones were weary, their souls were scarred and they had come far enough. Plus you know, dinner was calling. And so the Fellowship left the Cake to Ohcy, for the cutting of the cake and the spreading of the strawberry mix.

With a final farewell to each other, these noble compatriots parted at last, each knowing that though their Quest had (kind of) ended, their bonds of Fellowship never would.

Thus ends, the Story of the Cake.

Or is it?

Epilogue:

“You threw your SOCK, in my OVEN? I don’t want sock-flavored pastries!!”

 - Shiying

Ohcy:

“The SLOBs have left, and I am all that remains in the kitchen. Carefully, I cut the sides of the cake and pry it out of the cake tin. Moving the cake tin to one side, I slice the cake in half with a quick swipe of my butter knife katana, and place the bottom half of the cake back in the cake tin so that I can spread the strawberry mix over it.”

Ohcy’s maid:

“Aiyar, that does not even look like a cake. I thought cake supposed to be round one. Luckily they never make big mess in the kitchen. Oh, he removing the cake from the cake tin, I can finally wash it. Hmm, I better fill it with water first and  let it soak. La la la. Hahaha, that idiot wielding his butter knife like it’s a samurai sword. He think he Ken Watanabe is it. So many dishes tonight sia. Eh? Why he putting the cake back in the cake tin? I just filled it with wate-”

The End

For the past few days I have been playing Scramble CE on my phone so much, that when I tried to call my mum on the phone last night, I physically couldn't for a moment because the digits weren't connected on the number grid.

When I close my eyes now I see not darkness but D-E-A-R, E-A-R, R-A-D, D-A-R-E, A-R-E, R-E-A-D morphing into and out of each other. I can no longer look at a game of tic tac toe without muttering to myself that XXX and OOO are not words and therefore should not be linked.

Someone save me.

save ave aves vase sae sea vas.

Hello friends. Or rather hello to the three or so obsessive stalkers still left checking this space after a 6 month long posting vacation, congratulations! You are the ultimate survivor. I’m currently typing this post a gazillion miles or so above the ground in an SIA plane. Yes, you saw that correctly, an SIA plane. A plane where dreams come true and rays of hope beam around so much you expect to look left and see a bloody care bear in the next seat. A plane where the in-flight shows don’t consist of just old hong kong serial reruns and The Dark Knight, and you can actually play Pokemon Silver version for entertainment instead of repeatedly jumping a dumpy little Italian plumber onto a mushroom, who probably never did anything till then but lead a peaceful fungusy existence. Of course with all my anticipation towards enjoying an SIA flight for the first time in a decade or so, it was only natural that the entertainment system died on me around 3 min into a rather rousing episode of Ben 10 Advance Philosophy 101. So here I am with my laptop whipped upon, typing a blogpost at the start of a vacation instead of at the end of it. (Though I’ll have to admit it’s fun looking at a screen 6 times the size of everyone else’s.)

In other news, I have recently ORDed, thus leaving me free to pursue meaningless pursuits like juggling, cooking eggs, juggling eggs and egging my brother on to try juggling eggs. For anyone learning to cook scrambled eggs, I recommend using soya bean milk instead of regular milk for a less milky taste, and using the Martha Stewart method. For guys trying this, do not be surprised if you feel a sudden urge to beat the eggs by smashing them against concrete with your forehead – that’s just your body trying to restore its natural level of manhood. Kidding. Guys who can cook are sexy, everyone knows that.

Chief among the happenings of the past year though, has been the Scam Club overseas Trip to Taiwan – or as it is more affectionately known –

Scam Club goes to Taiwan!

Day 1:

We all gathered happily at the airport, eager to depart for our overseas taimei Taiwan adventure. After taking the requisite group shop we bounded onto the airplane where for the first time in my life I got the fabled window seat. Naturally I annoyed everyone trying to sleep by opening the window fully and gazing at the cotton candy clouds wafting below the plane. It was like I had stepped into Care Bear land. Not that I would actually know about Care Bear land and their magical rainbow bridge which got destroyed in The Care Bear Movie (1985) in one of the saddest scenes in cinematic history, but you know, I’m just guessing. Halfway through the plane ride the three girls started a game of “Poke my nose” where apparently one scored points by poking someone else’s nose. That’s all there is to the game. Seriously.  So for half the plane ride (and sadly the rest of the trip), we all looked like a bunch of severely short sighted individuals trying to dig each other’s nose. Way to be national ambassadors.

The new faces of Singapore.



And the new face for the CDC. Wash your hands children.

Soon enough we arrived at the airport where we queued to book a bus to take us to Taizhong. Just as we were about to start queuing at the main counter though, we got enticed by a man manning a counter in the middle of nowhere promising us a bus ride with massage chairs, wide seats and a screen. Seeing as all the other tour bus counters were stacked nicely together with shiny metal railings and fancy signboards, while this one was nothing more than a wooden table situated right next to the toilet, it seemed more likely that we’d end up bound, gagged and dumped along the highway with both kidneys missing then make it to Taizhong if we took his offer.

But you know. Massage Chairs. 

"Hmmm. That's a tough one."

An hour later we were vibrating happily in our massage chairs while playing Mario Karts on a modified Playstation controller, content that while we were in all likelihood shortly about to begin our existences as multiple organ donors, we had made the right choice.

Yup, those are some fine livers right there.

Happily though, nothing untoward happened and we arrived at our destination safe and sound. It was quite a fun bus ride actually; we sang songs, looked at the window and engaged in a rousing game of hearts. Royce Yap even had time during the trip to engage in quiet and reflective sketching of our posse.

Always knew you had it in you.

Guess who's who! Or try!

A triumphant run across the busy streets of Taizhong later, and we had reached our destination – The Taizhong Natural Museum of Natural Science where for the first time ever, I was going to see DINOSAUR BONES. To put it mildly, I was bleeding horse crap excited. Fellow scam club members will remember that when we first got together to plan the outing, I immediately gently raised the suggestion that we visit a natural science museum in the following manner:

Royce: “So do you all have any suggestions on where to go?”

Ohcy: “Why not visit a Natural Science Museum with a Dinosaur bone exhibition? I do believe that it would be rather quaint basking in the aura of history surrounding the fossilized bones of a Chungkingosaurus Jiangbeiensis* or an Erectopus* pardon my Latin.”

True story.

Ok fine it went like this:

Royce: “So do you all have any suggestions on where to go?”

Ohcy: “DINOSAURBONESDINOSAURBONESDINOSAURBONESDINOSAURBONESDINOSAU…“

*These are real dinosaur names. Seriously.

To my great horror though, upon finally entering the Fossils section of the Museum, I was confronted not with great hulking remnants of the terrible lizards, but great hulking plastic remnants of the terrible lizards. Sure there were a few small real fossils of inconsequential creatures that probably our direct ancestors, but all the huge fossils were sculpted imitations. Not that I realised this immediately of course. I spent a rather sad 15 min gazing with awe at the “footprint” of an ancient dinosaur before it struck me that rock usually isn’t this shiny and plasticy and  any ditch water in that footprint would have probably evaporated sometime in the last 65 million years.

Sigh.

After that we fooled around the Museum making jokes of ourselves. I would go into further detail but I think the photos speak for themselves:

Oh my sleeping child.

The modern happy family.

That's the pinnacle of evolution right there.

The absolute pinnacle

First of many mirror shots.

All hail the monkey god.

A foreshadowing of events on the morning of Day 5.

Soon after that, we hurried to catch a cool show on space in some cool circular dome like screen with a cool projector that projected multiple pin prick lights to represent stars. I use cool way too much. Once again though I was faced with a replica of one of my biggest dreams (seeing a night sky with thousands of stars), but seeing as I hadn’t expected to even get that much I was still rather excited by the whole starry bonanza.

By the end of the show it was 6pm or so, and we were faced with the prospect of either taking a bus or walking back to our hotel. Seeing as we had a map to refer to, I voted that we be adventurous and do the latter to the agreement of the others. So I stared at the map for a minute or two, pretended I knew exactly which roads we were supposed to walk down and just winged it based on my compass. One and a half hours later we were starting to regret that decision as we passed by road after junction after trafficaccidentwaitingtohappen, with no hotel in sight. 

Tempers weren’t improved when we arrived at a traffic crossing only to be accosted by a speaker that went something like this:

“Shing shang fong ching chong chang GUAI LAI LAI! GUAI LAI LAI! GUAI LAI LAI! fong shong ding dang bing bing ching GUAIII LAII LAII! GUAI LAII LAII! GUAI LAAI LAAII! shing shang … ….”

*silence*

 “Pheww. Finall-”

“GUAI LAI LAI!!! GUAI LAI LAI!!!!!!”

“$%#@#@$!!!!!”

Didn’t help that the traffic light seemed to have suffered a terminal stroke. And so we stood for minutes at that road crossing waiting for the light to turn green, as our sanities slowly got guailailaied into oblivion.

Eventually though, against all odds, we made it to the hotel and collapsed outside it in relief. It was a close one though – one wrong turn and we might have spent the rest of our lives wandering the dark alleyways of Taizhong living off the money we made selling Royce Yap away to a drug cartel. After sneaking up to the hotel room, presumably with the Mission Impossible music playing in all of our heads, we cam whored for a while before going down and boarding a cab where we cam whored some more. Yes we are a slutty, slutty group of cam geishas.

 

Just look at us.

After arriving at the night market, we proceeded to gorge ourselves on food and snacks and lots and lots of bubble tea. I shall take a moment here to state that as I took that first sip of Taiwan Bubble Tea, the experience was, for lack of a better word, Jizztastic. I was in Ecsteasy. I had a Pearlgasm. And I should probably stop.

This made it all that much sadder though when Runty sadistically split my third cup of bubble tea for the night with a round house kick, just as we were settling down for some tau huay. Holding back tears, I dashed to the nearest drain and slurped up as much of the milky goodness as I could before it dripped down into the sewers forever.

I wasn't kidding.

The smile is only on the outside. Inside I’m weeping like a bitter 7 year old kid whose favourite Donatello toy got thrown out the window by his older brother. (Yes I’m talking about you.)

Sometime during the night we also took the opportunity to being the inaugural Scam Club Heart Drawing contest, because we firmly believe that if you can’t draw a cute heart you’re probably a bitter, lonely person living with a hundred musty smelling cats. Or just a typical guy. 

Someone clearly has a black heart.

A few more drawings, random bites, camwhoresy moments and one more taxi ride later, we were all snug in our rooms, ready to settle down for the night

Thus ends the first day of this account.

Moar Photos!

Engaging in a night rave in a taxi club. You know those taxi clubs and their wild crazy teens.

Being stoned after our night rave. Nonexistent alcohol and upperwaist dancing does that to you. A few people clearly have too much energy though.

Sausage party. Literally.

No idea what nic's doing in this shot.

Yum Yum! Or some other random caption cos I can't think of what else to say here.

I'm regressing into my Takopachi state.

He's just begging someone to lick that off.

No comment.

Entertaining ourselves outside the magical bubble tea shop.

Crossing the line from self entertainment to bizarre sadomasochism. 

We are indeed a merry band or artists.

"I see you driving round town with the girl I love, and I'm like..."

Royce Yap, International Man of Mystery.

I have no idea why we were stoning outside the room. Someone remind me please.

Day 2: (TO BE CONTINUED)


Does anyone even still come here?